Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kermit_fruit's LiveJournal:

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Friday, April 10th, 2009
10:35 pm	RESPONSE POSITIVE I feel better now. He seemed to understand more than I could hope for. Now I just have to follow through on my end. I have to learn to like myself and be comfortable without identifying myself by or attaching myself with another person. Goodie! Forced personal growth time! Hopefully I can deliver. I managed to have a one year five and a half relationship. Now to become a happier healthier person to again try to have same said relationship and make said relationship become marriage...because I want to marry him...and I don't want it to fail. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I can't help being afraid of most of them either. My hope is to eventually be comfortable and happy within my own skin....something difficult to accomplish....I've been trying to for a long time but it doesn't help that how I view pretty much everything is contrary to my peers and how I think about things in general is quite different and how I then go to express things is also different...so I am frequently frustrated and angry with myself for my lack of ability to communicate....since it is my lack as it applies to everyone. The fact that I know I would understand something if only it was explained differently and I can't explain or begin to even know what it is I want to explain that I don't understand and so again am frequently upset and wish I were quite different so that I didn't have this problem all the time. And the fact that I basically wish that I wasn't born being me....is the reason I haven't learned to like myself....the reason I feel helpless, misunderstood frustrated etc all the time. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now. tomorrow I will do my writing assignment and stuff online for the class...also I will practice the guitar for my class.....and do math home work....and possibly sew...hell I have all day tomorrow to feel like crap and do work...and all day sunday....pretty much.....so I might as well....anyways good night my old friend lj...we shall meet again soon I'm thinking. (Comment on this)
10:15 pm	haven't been on here for awhile....but today I may need my old journal friend again ....today started out reasonably well....and by noon had fallen into a black pit of oblivion of no return....tried to become happier....happier worked for awhile.....then was reminded of why I hate myself and a promise I made. Then tried to go through with promise. Became scared. Tried to go through with it faster. Really didn't want to go through with it. Went through with it anyways. Feel like crap. He probably feels like more crap. Waiting for his response which will probably re validate everything I was feeling/thinking and again make me hate myself and my life. ta-da! I might be needing and wanting my old livejournal friend for awhile now.....yeah. In other news....I really love him and I'm realizing that loving someone really does make everything-DIFFICULT-hell I even like him. Both things together.....weird. I'm amazed that I like him as much as I do....Loving him as much as I do...I guess is just as shocking. I'm censoring my thoughts more right now oddly enough...it must be because I feel like so much crap....that I really just want to cry and be held by/hold him. The end. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
9:51 pm	New Years Resolution Thingy Just for the hellz of it. I really want to go to bed, but I haven't taken a shower/washed clothes finished hw.....oh wellz on to my resolutions! The first thing I need to resolve to do, is-well, resolve to make resolutions which I can actually keep up with, things which I won't have a hard time doing, or will be motivated enough to do. So, after making that first resolution.....well the only other thing I can think of pretty much completely ignores the first one but here it goes; try to have more fun. The reason this ignores the first is pretty complicated-no explanation shall be given...for once XD; From my earlier post I think I will try to be more outwardly caring twoards others, even if I'm tired of giving just to be turned down. Also....I think I will try to find reasons to like anything/everything I do-which I think will be hard, but I've been working on it for awhile, one of the best things to do, which may or may not be cheating, but I find works really well is to only do things which I can honestly say I enjoy or justify in some way and just not do things which I dislike. Of course I am put in positions to do things I dislike all the time at school, but those are justifiable. Yea, well anyways, I think I will be happier over all if I engage in these activities more often then I already do, and there are many sayings which tell me that a person could always use more happiness.....so yes, why not. More happiness it is. jeeze I think too much XD; now I'm thinking about how I wish I enjoyed life more, which is a really depressing thought really....makes me remember how few things I truly enjoy doing, and how most things I do, even the things I enjoy are done for purposes other than joy which makes them much less joyful, and that when it comes down to it there are only a very few things I do which are for inner joy, which do not have another purpose such as making money, or graduating high school/college.....and one of those things is sleeping/dreaming. Which has not of recent given me much joy as I've been having very intense emotional dreams, which aren't frightening, or irritating or the like, or sad really......but idk....they're not angry either-they're just very emotional and so my overall sleep has suffered. My daydreams are quite....err frustrating I guess you could say, and none of them have been cute or fantastical.....simply aggravating.....hmm....I can't wait to watch the tele tomorrow at my dads.....it is a nice relaxing activity where I can watch my favorite show, zone out, just...mellow, it's very nice, slice of heaven for about 3 hours^^~ yay! okay well thinking of that puts me in better spirits, and I think I shall wash my clothes now and venture off to bed^^~ Current Music: 'Perfect' (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
6:55 pm	Merry Christmass Ya'll!!!!! so today was a really good Christmass. I was really worried like always, because Brynn always gets me something, and it's always really thoughtful, and even though I spend time getting her something, it's never quite right, and I never really feel deserving of what ever she gets me-but tis year it was okay. I helped my mom pick something out for her which she really liked, and bought her a thing of nail polish, and I think the colour was to her liking, so this year I felt good, and comfortable about receiving gifts. We also went out to a movie, Juno, together and then managed to find a chinese place that was open to eat out at. I got quite a few things like always-but the best things I got were; 1. Mohabbatein on DVD 2. Socks and leggings 3. More Copic Markers/multiliners and the Copic Airbrushing system 4. A watch 5. two drawings from my 4 year old cousin Anya-who is surprisingly good at colouring inbetween the lines :D yup, so thos were my favorite gifts....maybe that was pretty much all of them...oh yeah, I got a coin purse..and $20 to spend on art stuff...so thats pretty rad, so yeah it's been a pretty damn good Christmass, nothing extremely terrible happened...although I still want the low-rise UGGS...or what ever they're called.....the short ones XD;....they're comfy...but I'll have to wait, they were all sold out of UGGS when we went to look at them....and also I pissed my Grandma off earlier so....well she wasn't happy.....but she still wanted to buy me new shoes....but I know what is right...and I'm tired of getting the same old, same old because they wear out really fast and hurt my feet....I'm thinking UGGS won't wear out as fast, or rather when they wear out they'll be even more comfortable as they're pure soft fuzzy goodness, while most shoes are hard-so when they wear out....they get harder...and theere fore harsher and more painful to wear....since buying shoes for me is such a struggle and I know all the things so far that don't work-I'm trying to avoid those-so UGGS, being different completely from my other shoes, seem to be the best new option-and I have....idk I just have a hunch they'll work out. So other than my shoe crisis with Betsy....Christmass has been alright-I just now have to frantically try to whip out two art pieces before we return to school-drop math and Geo-PAC, and try for another weight-training class.....uggh....hopefully I get it....but if I have to get a class I don't want, I woin't fail it....I just won't really try.....course I could also try for another assigned study I think....hmm no I don't think I can actually...so no....meh oh wells....everything should be alright....I'm really tired...I've had a really long stressful week...and I want to sleep....I know tomorrow will be nice, but I have 2 projects to finish and one to start before break ends.....and it's stressing me out just a little bit. oh yeah.....I bought some peoples presents.....I still need to draw people cards.....who I couldn't buy presents...and I promised some people I'd make brownies for when I returned to school........so..I think it's bed time XD; Merry Christmass ya'll!!!! oh yeah-it was friggin awesome today when it snowed.....it made me think of kissing in the rain-except during Christmass you kiss under lightly falling snow-it's very romantic-anyways-it was a good day-and I still haven't gained weight this break :D Current Music: 'Let It Snow' (Comment on this)
Friday, December 7th, 2007
8:43 pm	So I think I have it figured out now-the passion of a thousand firey suns is only awakened at the dawning of a new cycle-where I conduct several sessions to bring forth this maddening heat by transfiguring that which is almost in my grip into something it is not quite, and thus making many such warm conversations in my dreams as to lead me thirsting for water in a desert, while the rays of the sun scorch my skin. emblazing my mind with it's glare. The sun is a powerful thing, and most of my element, for I am a leo-but fire should not always burn...no that is not correct-the fire of love must needs always burn as brightly as possible in one's heart for all living things-yet the fire of the mind-no the fire of the mind must also burn thus-so to what fire may I adress that has forsaken me so? I would try to adress the fire of the body-yet the body must be likened unto a vehicle for our soul and so it must always have fuel burning-and so the body I can not charge with this. Still I wonder why I made dolls of living beings, to instill a fire for their affection, though all the while I knew that the fire was there before-and adding to it's flame in such a poisinous way could be deadly, yet I add to the fire with delight, as the mischeif and pure seduction of the deed makes me light and heavy, heavy and light, as winged things flutter within my gut, knwoing better than I my inherently bashful nature, yet I do continue to make my mind set in such a way, as to give myself sinful pleasure. The torment of a day where lonely shadows creep across my pillow......aww how do the stars shine and winged things flutter, as I lay to sleep it off till tomorrow. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
7:11 pm	Strap Ons feh- "I'm sorry I wasn't listening, I was thinking about strap ons again" "wow-aren't you a pain" "hehe, yeah a pain in your ass" -anyways.....this derived from a sick, twisted and utterly wrong and fantastic art club with Lucy.....also....I had a day dream about raping somemeone with a strap on.....err well I was half asleep....it was on the weekend and I was sleeping in really late...so I'd go into half sleep and have little mini-dreams.....and then the odd and ends sex dream....and because of Lucy I was reminded of it....and then....when Nathan was talking to me..but he hadn't gotten my attention first.....I'd be all like-"what? sorry, I was thinking about strap ons". it was funny. bwuahaha so I'm excited-I get to see the movie for one of my favorite books series on friday hopefully as a double date with Tay-chan, David and Nathan-Ta said she'd wear the blue skirt I gave her.....I am really looking forward to it.....also....we're going to Sheries where I can gorge on french fries :D bwuahaha I am so excited that I am trying on clothing....woot. feh actually I usually do this when preparing to go out with friends....but I'm doing more prep because friday I won't have as much time, I'm thinking, to get ready....also......I want to look cute too^^~ Current Music: She Wants Revenge, Tear You Apart (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 1st, 2007
12:49 pm	Candy Cane Corn Stalks I was driving alone in a white car through the countryside-when I saw to my left a field of candy cane corn stalks, letters pictures and posters and such, so I decided to stop and collect them like souvineers-sorting through them to bring to my friends-I found fire and thought I should look to see if there might be water or love, then I saw a pile of posters and rummaged through them for the one I remember liking the most. There must have been vampires or other tourists because I ent to my white truck and drove farther away. Now in a forest with brambles bushes and trees all along the sides, I met a strange lady who could turn into air when I tried to force her to obey me. She said people were using the bush so I had to attach it there-but I wanted it to be attached where there weren't any people, and so I was angry but couldn't strangle her into aggreement, she'd simply dissappear into air. then I woke for a little and went back to sleep-suddenly the greenery was replaced by ice cold feet in the snow-and lucious vampiric women were coming out of a portal of red and the only wepon available was the snow at my feet, and though many were destroyed many more came, and we were over run, by lucious amazon, sexy night club invading demon like vampires who couldn't be killed by normal means. One dissappeared, then reappeared behind me, she wore a yellow sweater dress, and had short curly black hair and green eyes, then she smiled her wickedly sweet smile and puffed into air-and I woke up again, fesring the vampire invasion, and wanting to return to the letter, postcards and candy can corn stalks. And that was my dream. hehe I know how it came from reality....which is funny since it seems to have not to really....but the rose thorn whip chain the vanishing woman had to tie up my car....and some other things-which were too difficult to explain since they're fuzzy now and completely graphically oriented-but they came from last night and Neisan-Chan's house. ^^~ Yu+Me the online comic suddenly jumped into my head....because it's like you+me...except Yu+Me->Yume, means dream in Japanese :D-and me and Neisan did fall asleep last night-unfortunantly it didn't snow....so I didn't sleep over....but I left my mom a message last night where I said; "Hey mom, it's Rosemary, I'm at Nathan's, I'll be home at the usualy time, unless we get snowed in....and then I won't hahaha okay bye." and somehow me joking like that helped her to not worry and wait up for me...she even had the lights turned off....I was amused. Current Music: Lifehouse, You and Me (Comment on this)
Monday, November 26th, 2007
4:48 pm	so...I guess a little explanation is in order....as I didn't really have time to discuss it today...and forgot for most of the time that it was something to discuss anyways, but the doubts I have been expressing though they may seem to be about the relationship-are not. They are merely doubts surrounding some feelings, regrets and concerns in relationship to but not directly about the relationship, as I am sure everything will be fine for the most part. I feel it is very difficult to explain exactly what my discomforts are-they are very complex and roundabout, and I know that a great deal of the information I just sort of 'know', and can't really divulge making any explanation kind of vague, twisted or confusing. But there is one thing, though I still consider a bit hard to fully transmit my thoughts on that I feel is necessary for me to try to express so here shall be my best rendition of this disconfort: I guess I should start by explaining....well no let me even start again-for a long while I have pressed upon you that 'you are mine', and although you have always misinterpreted it to be a bad thing, or have become irritable with how I have voiced it, the message that I would be unhappy if you were with someone else, and not me, I feel has always gotten across. And although recently you have done some things, when we're alone and some when we're in public, which convey a similar sort of message of care, for a good deal of the time I get a completely different non-verbal message from you, one which does not say, 'you are mine', but more to the affect of, 'I do not care'. Today you surprised me by showing the interest in my affairs which you usually do not show, by saying that you would not like it if I did something and not with you first-although in soem way you were, I think, joking. What I mean to say is, when you don't show interest in me-or what's going on, or if a guy is scamping on me, or vice versa, it feels like you don't care, because someone who cared about me being with them, being theres, would care if I wasn't being true. For a long time I've treated you like this, and I don't want you to change oodles for me, I just want to feel like you want me around, as I've always tried to show you that I want you around, that you're mine, and I would like to be yours. So it's not that I want you to 'morph' into something different, it's that I need to feel like you respect yourself, and our relationship, and me and that you want me around, that I matter enough that if someone hit on me in all seriousness you'd tel them basically to f' off because I was your girlfriend. I just see it as respectful to me, and to us, so the kind of support which shows me you're serous. It doesn't mean spend every second with me, or throw yourself at me, or smother me etc etc, it's not really hard to do, it just means little things like telling me I look pretty, or hugging me around the waist sometimes...ya know-'cause it's kind of a blow when everyone around you is interested in seeing 'porno-esq' pics of you....except the person who says they love you-it's not like being super agressive like; 'get thefuck away from Rosemary', but idk....treating me like I'm your's, not someone who is open for grabs and giggles by any other guy....because I've almost always thought we'd do well together, so I want to feel like we are together-like you respect yourself enough to think we're good together and not, to say, 'let other people walk all over your property'...not to say I'm property-or that you are...but idk...like I said, it's hard to explain....the best phrase I can think of is simply: treat me like I'm yours-because for the longest time I've treated you as if you're mine....it even rhymes XD; anyways....I don't think I would've been able to verbally spit this all out in an even semi-comphrehensible manner at school....whcih is why I have lj...since I can't speak to people in person, it makes me nauseous....Xp-confrontation is simply one of my worst fears-it's why I have lj-simply because I barely find time or means by which to face my fear-so usually I just spit out all my frustration and unhappy feelings on here. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 24th, 2007
11:06 pm	Bad Dreams so last night I stayed up late reading...actually I had been in bed reading all day-very bad judgement on my part, but I really wanted to finish the Xanth book I was reading, it's one of my favorites-but when I tried to sleep, of coruse my whole body was sore and tired already fro laying down so it was hard, but I kept waking up to bad dreams and the like...it was kind of unnerving. I know I had a few about Nathan, no surprise there, my brother was in one of them, and so was Nick p....idk why I always see him in my dreams but he's always there-and I ever even think about him when/before I sleep.....anyways...I guess I'm just annoyed I put myself through a rough night and now I only have one day to do an entire painting....and well....it ain't gunna happen....I have been working on it throughout the week, but I've been sick all week, and not getting any better-I mean I do-but when I wake up the next day I'm always worse....so idk...today I was a little better-I hope I'm better enough tomorow that I won't sleep in too late and can get some good work time in.....I haven't even started to paint...but the sketch has been really annoying....and now my computer contracted an std from something....today....idk how...I've only been to deiantart....although it might've gotten it from the newest patch for Rappelz...I hope not....I hope it got the stupid virus from my mom's laptop instead because it'd be easier and happier for me to deal with/remove....it's making random internet windows pop up, even when I'm not browsing-none of the windows are porn, they're just ads or windows that say the link doesn't work or the server can't be accessed etc, etc...but it's irritating......I think I some how contracted it because my mom downloaded a program to get rid of viruses and the like but I think the program was a virus...actually I'm pretty damn sure of it....and even if it wasn't it's annoying enough to gai that classification....and anyways-other than that and Rappelz, there's no otherway I could've contracted a virus....but meh...idk why Rappelz would give my computer a virus....s I blame my mom's computer....although the evidence doesn't really support it.....there's just nothing else......XD; uggh...well I hope I sleep well tonight XD; (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
12:39 am	meh dreams+work so my subconscious knows that I like things the more I hear/see/think about them etc.....so it knows my struggle and wants to help, I guess, by making me have these weird 'sex' dreams. sex is in quotes because I really can't tell what the hell is happening, and can only assume....and weird....well....my dreams are always weird to other people-I think they're weird as well....but in reality they're the norm XD; Anywho....I guess I must needs explain the liking things with repitition thing, because it does not apply to all things....I have to already like an aspect of the thing to like it a lot through repitition. Such as with music-I may really like a certain sound that is made with the music and the lyrics mixed at one point in the song-that sound may make me feel good, so whenever I listen to the song-and hear that part I feel good-soon enough I have been conditioned to feel good just by hearing the song in general. But if I don't like anything in the song-anything at all-then it is not possible for me to like the song through repitition-it must be then paired with soemthing else so that I can be conditioned to like the song. So now I am at the hard task of.....to....err....well.....**cough cough** yes.....anyways......it is easily explained through the wonderful example of Dustin-I find some aspects of Dustin's facial appearance to be physically attractive, but when first meeting him I didn't think so-after knowing him for awhile-his magnetic energy and simply wonderful presence has made him look really sexy when I'm around him, and if thinking about him while looking at a picture of him. But if I just look at the picture without thinking about him....well....he isn't really attractive.....unfortunantly....I haven't found something like this......and even if I find the body on a whole attractive....the face being attractive is a big issue....since kissing is more my thing than....well anything other than hugs and hand holding......so yeah..... I guess those annoying dreams I've been having will continue as long as I see hope in this....but.......idk I may give up......next time I see him I'm going to have to talk that boy up and down and in circles till he either figures it out or stops liking me all together......which makes me wonder if he would tell me if he didn't anymore.......the other day I thought he was about to.....idk.......idk what to say.....that was just a dreadful feeling.....and now I'm worried that eventually he'll be 'sexy enough' and I'll be in love.....and he'll be gone....he won't be.....I think I fear emotional pain over physical pain..... oh yeah.....Nick's back for the rest of the week......I like Nick a lot. He's real sweet, and smart-but in a different way than me and so we both respect eachothers skills and aren't all up in eachothers faces....although I don't think it'd ever happen anyway since Nick is so sweet and I'm 3 years younger and the younger sister of his friend....but still....me and him get along really great-so I wish it wasn't awkward for us to hang out because I'm 'the younger sister'.....bluegh......I need to sleep....tomorrow is Thanks Giving...so....I have just a few more days of hard core work time for AP Studio art.....and umm some work for Math to do...and some for ap if I feel so compelled...and some sketches for art if I want to as well....meh...so much work XD; .....oh yeah....last saturday 2 kids I've known for awhile...at least 4 years for one and since....like forever for the other died in a car accident........they feel asleep at the wheel.....it's pretty depressing since we seem to have a new theme where every year someone from the graduating class has to die....this year it just happened to be two someones......anyways...tomorrow with my religious bretheren I think I'll say a prayer for the dead......even if people don't believe in God......if they care about someone who died they usually think about them and hope that, that person is okay....or died peacefully, or without too much pain or yadda, yadda, yadda.....and those thoughts in my mind are a type of prayer....but since I didn't really know them....or rather they weren't really friends with me....it's easier for me to use words....from a text scource.....so I guess....I will.....because I guess I would want people to think good thoughts for me, so that if every good thought is like a light to guide me to where I'll go next, I'd have enough lights to see my way.....I wouldn't want to be in the dark....and I doubt they would either...so I really need to remember to bring a prayer book and say soemthing for them both.... Current Music: Modest Mouse, 'Float On' (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
1:13 am	bitching some more Rosemary= Metal Horse Leo. Rosemary needs a lot of ego petting/'dominance' not foolish, mock assertion which really pans out to annoying/idiotic ignorance/'making onself look bad' MAYBE YOU'D FEEL LESS LIKE I WAS DOMINATING YOUR LIFE IF YOU TOOK MORE CONTROL OF IT YOURSELF. HINT HINT STOP TRYING TO BE AN ASSHOLE, JUST BE AN ASSHOLE FOR A LITTLE WHILE EVERYDAY THEN GO BACK TO BEING YOU, YOU'RE A NICE GUY. HINT HINT ACTUALLY ASSERT YOURSELF-WATCH SHOUJO ANIME/MELODRAMATIC ROMANIC MOVIES-ASSERT YOURSELF HINT HINT in other news-why the fuck is Bryan in all his squishy what ever niceness/not trying to be an asshole-ness, more assertive than you? He even has a girlfriend and me and him are just cool-and he;s still more assertive than you.....once more my mom still thinks you'd take advantage of me....wtf.........if we had a sleepiover I'd be more likely to rape you than the other way around, and what's more, Megan/Leia would be more likely to come over and rape me than you, sleeping in the bed next to me. wtf. YOU'RE NOT AN ASSHOLE-GIVE IT UP. okay now I'm done bitching about how much I hate and love you for the night.... (Comment on this)
12:50 am	XD; **tingle tingle** Why are you around to distract me? I mean all of you. XD; uggh. In other news: This week I shall do many arts things...and hopefully do my self portrait....I shall download the assignment now whilst I'm still thinking about it XD; hahaha....and then alongs with that one-I shalls being doing some other thingies as well. I already started inking something I've been afraid to ink for about a year so that's good, and I have two other projects to finish and soem smaller colouring projects as well.....jeeze I really am a work a holic XD; I guess it makes sense since I hate not doing things. Like I can't just browse a store-there has to be some sort of goal or length of time in mind or I get irritable really fast as other things which 'have more purpose' are waiting to be done.....ehehe XD; it's why spontaneous things don't work for me-because I already have timed my day out so that all things I must acomplish can be acomplished and I've already assingned time to each item......changing how much time I give to an item is very difficult, but I can always plan for something if I am given a day in advanced as I will plan to do more work on another day to allow for some sort of play date. Luckily I already did part of my work at Nathan's the toher night. although I didn't get to take a nap with him-which makes me a bit cranky as I like things to 'go as planned' so to say. yup I am a work-a-holic XD; it keeps me sane I guess. Whenever me and my mom take our trip to the beach I always become irritable because she wants to do things....which aren't acomplishing anything...and it's irritating to waste time. Although I always enjoy going to the art museum thingy at that one beach...although looking at art is a way of studying for me...and so not a waste of time XD; Walking on the beach however isn't really relaxing for me....unless there is a planned ammount of time for walking on the beach-then I can say; 'we are now walking on the beach for this long, so relax because after this time we will go back and do this...'. Window browsing can be one of those stressful things...but if it involves clothing it's not as stressful as it's another art form I'm interested in, and sometimes we buy things, so the 'mission' of the window browsing is to buy____. <---fill in the blank..XD; blugh....I can't get it out of my head.....either I've trained myself to constantly think about this.....or I really am just constantly thinking about this....but I don't know....I trick myself.....it's possible for me to lie to myself, there for it is hard to trust myself....especially when something is important...... if only we lived in Xanth- I could but just try to pick a flower, Red and learn my hearts true colour so easily, and then my minds own tricks I further would not have to dread, as the colour of the rose picked would not allow my feelings to remain unknown, the answers that I hold from myself now, could no longer hide away, for in a moment I could see what colour of rose he holds for me. and the rose I'd pick for him would be only that which I feel and so all would see the true side of me. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 11th, 2007
1:41 am	CCS Fandom so I should've gone to sleep a long time ago.......but I started watching Card Captor Sakura.....and once I start watching it....I can't stop....it makes me so happy and yet so sad....I cry XD; she's so cute....and such......and idk....very relateable I guess.....I started watching from an episode I hadn't seen before early today.....and I am now on episode 69......which I have seen....the last few I have seen actually....but now that I'm past my overly obsessed stage....wtih this anime......well when watching it...it's just a lot different...because now I'm not super obsessed and just thinking about how cute it is and yadda yadda yadda.....idk....it makes me really emotional is all.....so I thought I'd just tell everyone how my love of CCS has kept me up very late crying about the adventures and social mishaps of a cute little non-existant girl.... (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 10th, 2007
3:01 pm	losing body fat depends on my frequent eating :D so to lose weight one must eat enough; fat, calories, vitamins, minerals, protein. Someone who exercises must eat more than 2k calories a day to have enough energy to do said exercise and not make the body think they're starving. To gain muscle one must eat protein. So.....it's better to eat many, many small meals a day then to eat 1-3 big meals as the body will feel fed because of a constant injection of calories , fat etc, will have enough energy to do the tasks at hand, but not too much energy from the calories that it isn't all used and stored and consequently stored as fat. Like if I eat a big meal I'll get all sleepy and not want to move 'cause I ate a lot-consequently I'll take a nap and my body will store all the energy as fat instead, and when I get up I'm usually hungry again.....so then I'll gain weight. So....since I have earlybird weight training I should be eating a very small breakfast, a small lunch a small second lunch when I get home from school, a small snack later in the night, and a small dinner possibly followed by another small dinner later. This ensures that I always have energy that I need to do things, but that I don't have too much energy where I store it as fat or the like. Since I already do this......to lose more fat I think I should eat more veggetables and cut back on my cheese, chocolate and cake intake. I could also benefit from doing more crunches. bwuahahaha......what I find annoying about my body type is that my stomach still retains fat, yet my boobs and my ribcage seem to enjoy losing fat......uggh....so wehn I lose fat my ribs stick out even more.....although my stomach eventually does get thinner....so idk....well see I guess we'll start work on my new exercise program for real now.....and hopefully I can lose the body fat I want to. Current Music: Simple Plan; 'I'd Do Anything' (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 9th, 2007
11:53 pm	hmm....content I guess....but strangely mortified bah social constraits. bah........doesn't know anything....bah...........how do I flirt with someone who thinks I'm being a bitch when I do-because they have no idea about anything of this sort? I have no idea.............of course I've known this would be a problem for over a year now......so meh......but still........and of course he's not me....so little things I do.....which have much meaning for me.....well are quite close to being ignored one could say......being excessively obvious and extremely blunt are useful tools I guess....but sometimes a girl just wants to be a girl....and not have to just say things but hint at them or what ever...and when the guy.....well.....just doesn't take a hint it's frustrating........bah..........so I think about Dustin again.....I used to give Dustin little peck kisses on the cheek/neck whenever we'd hug and he'd say thank you and blush.....I gave Nathan one and he complained......actually made me feel bad for being affectionate.....he needs......something......kind of like bashing my head against a wall for the last year and a half.....bleh.....needs chapstick. I want to be thinner.......I know I'm thin.....but I want to be more so.....I want Tay to buy more clothes.....Nathan to get a clue....bwuahaha that's funny 'cause there's a Disney movie called 'get a clue' hahaha anyways.....I'm wondering how I can lose the fat to be as thin as I want to be in a healthy way.....just because I'm thin doesn't mean I don't have weight issues......but should I? no one really should.....people should be happy and love themselves...happy with where they are....but they're not.....I'm not......and anyways, some people have health issues from being overweight/underweight....so should worry about said weight.....but still.......idk....I guess....I'll make a list of things which make me really happy not in any particular order 1. Hugs-->most physical contact 2. when people make me food 3. sexy cute suggestive stuff 4. looking really good 5. other people saying that I look really good 6. eating 7. sleeping 8. watching tv shows I like 9. sometimes listening to music is the best thing in the world alright...that's what I can think of right now......hmm....the girls who're cute/sexy...I try to pick up skills they have which make them cute/sexy...so I can be more cute/sexy.......because it makes me really happy.....it's strange feeling like I need to teach someone how to act....it makes me feel bad that I don't accept them as not knowing or being 'socially there'......but the thing is.....I am in a way 'socially there', so I interact in that way.....and I want him to capture my heart....and to do that, he needs to be 'there', and know those things....which....idk...they're important. I guess that's my rantings....I'm too tired to rant anymore...and I'm not really angry I'm quite content, just a bit uncomfortable with the idea that I feel the need to teach him/show him these things...whcih I feel like he should already know....especially after being with me for so long.....but he doesn't......uggh..... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
8:19 pm	another update of quizness oh my!!!! Big Five Word Test Results Extroversion (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting. Accommodation (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately kind natured, trusting, and helpful while still maintaining your own interests. Orderliness (50%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun. Emotional Stability (24%) low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Inquisitiveness (44%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly small minded, traditional, and conventional at the expense of intellectual curiousity, possibility, and progress. Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test personality tests by similarminds.com I felt like posting yet again XD; haha live with it...bwuahahaa.....the funny thing is people answer these questions and get results based on how they view themselves...not exactly on what is really going on....since there isn't exactly a measuring system for how worried is extremely worried, so people who may not be considered to worry all that much in comparison to others...may feel like they worry a lot etc etc...but I know I worry a lot haha....my journal is a good record keeper of how much worrying I do....and it's not that half of it believe me haha...I'm sure you do XD; Current Music: Jessie McCartney Because You Live (Comment on this)
4:51 pm	the perfect one Music; Michelle Branch: Breath, Everywhere. Anna Nalick: Breath. Vanessa Hudgens: Baby Come Back To Me. Extreme: More Than Words. You guys get the idea.........meh.....I guess I feel really happy and really sad at the same time......I guess I'll put some lyrics from the songs up......and such.... 2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, 2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud yup more lyrics.... ( Read more... ) yup...that was easier than writting an entry I think. jeeze I was thinking something earlier....and now I can't remember it....but it was a bother to my mind.......but I was thinking that if I decided he was my type and told myself that instead of that he isn't....would he be? I think I can describe his type of girl, so I'm going to attempt it now; he wants a more stereotypically pretty girl, with shoulder length or slightly longer/shorter brown hair, straight or slightly wavy. She'd have a spunky nose, maybe freckles, and a semi-athletic, 'boyish' and slender body, although he wouldn't mind a girl with a lot of curves. She has to have a good conscious and morals, be sweet and have fun with a lot of things. He seems to like pretty shallow girls who have a lot going on. He'd like them to believe in God, and going back to physcial features, and I think he likes girls to be shorter than him because it makes him feel more masculine. Also her eyes are either brown or more greenish hazel. I am not exactly any of those things. End. my perfect guy ( Read more... ) reading this over I think of Dustin and he fits so well.....XD; yet...idk....if I had a mad scientist laboratory and could combine some people I know into one person to make 'the guy' I'd probably use Dustin as one of those guys......but I guess it wouldn't be the same.....now I'm just getting more....befuddled? is that the word I want? idk.....I guess it's me being sort of 'shallow' and I'm worried about it. Well it's not really me being shallow it's more me worrying about the sexualy physical aspect of a relationship.....I don't know if I'm comfortable with kissing.....because I've noticed that a guy can be 'up to my standards' or even really, really good looking in my book, but if his face....I mean he can even have a good looking face.....but there's only a few kinds of faces that I can imagine and feel comfortable kissing.....so it's problematical. uggh....faces like Eric....something like Nick P. and umm....idk who combined....but yeah....something like that.....it's very distressing....I wish I wasn't screwed up in the way that I am......hmm maybe I'll want sex and be creative sexually and making out wise when I'm older....hopefully....because I don't want to be alone and who....what kind of guy would stay with a girl who doesn't want to be like that.....at all? jeeze now I feel all sad and lonely......he's not my type...and I don't think I'm his.....but yet......idk......stocker thinks were perfect....everyone seems to like the idea.....I felt like it....well I even had to point it out to him......but maybe everyone else.....maybe they knew before I did....??? hmm.....being a girl is such wonderful fun having such a huge ammount of feelings to feel......hmm...I think I'll watch episode 57 of CCS....it's one of my favorites-it's the elevator one :D (Comment on this)
3:54 pm	Flowers on the Wall; The Statler Borther...good song EDIT; err....on the last journal entry...that everyone made OUTRAGEOUS assumptions..... EVERYONE IS STILL WRONG....ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE.....WELL WITH THE EXCEPTION OF NATHAN...TAYLOR....ME....AND.....STOCKER.....LMAO thought I might clear that up... in other news.....I freakin love this song!!!!;http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbreGl_ZFM4 buwahaahahha this song makes me think of Nathan....buwahahaha don't question it. and I love harry Potter Puppett Pals; 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise' !!!! Especially now that some kids did a little skit with the soundtrack recorded as a lipsing during spirit week :D bwuahaha I know...a long ass time ago.....get over it. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 2nd, 2007
8:08 pm	I guess we'll see-but I feel much happier so....I feel much better now. I really hope I'm right.....that I hadn't just conditioned myself to everyonce in awhile slip up...( Read more... ) EDIT; DAMN ALL YOU PEOPLE HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND. YOU'RE WRONG. ALL OF YOU. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
5:15 pm	(v]^8+(6-5)+4^15-10^4)^2=13,25-8,5,1,18,20-20,15-25,15,21,18,19. OAR....again FUCK I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO JUST CRAWL INTO A HOLE FOR AWHILE AND NOT EXIST-SINCE THAT ISN'T AN OPTION.....AND NEITHER ARE YOU......I THINK MAYBE I'LL PLAY RAPPELZ TO LVL 50 AND GO TO SLEEP. if you actually fucking read my lj you might.....idk.....nvm fuck you maybe even literally....I haven't decided yet..... fuck I wish you knew.(v]^8+(6-5)+4^15-10^4)^2=13,25-8,5,1,18,20-20,15-25,15,21,18,19. (6 Comments |Comment on this)